Asking Eric: I was devastated when my sister said, ‘if we can’t get along, let’s leave this sisterhood’

DEAR ERIC: I am a young woman, aged 30. I had a small fight with my sister sometime in December 2023. The words that hurt me most from her was “if we can’t get along, let’s leave this sisterhood”. I was so devastated, heartbroken and lost.
So, from that day I decided not to talk to her like we used to do. She’s staying in another country, and I am in my home country. I do love her. I don’t even want any bad things to happen to her. But those words keep ringing in my head. What am I supposed to do?
– Worried Sister
DEAR SISTER: Your sister’s response was so extreme; I wonder if the small fight actually felt small to her. It’s possible she overreacted, or was in a heightened emotional state, but to propose severing your relationship suggests that this conflict has a longer backstory that needs resolving.
In the same vein, you were hurt enough to take her up on her proposal. That also suggests that this was the tip of an iceberg of bruised feelings between the two of you. So, what’s really going on?
No matter what lies beneath the argument, this doesn’t have to be the end.
In fact, by reaching out to her to unpack this, you may be able to break whatever pattern you’re both in. Try a call, if she’ll take it. Or a letter, if she won’t.
Start with the core truth: you love her, and you want to repair this. To do so, you need to talk about the ways that you were hurt, and you need to be open to hearing the ways that she felt hurt. This isn’t easy and it may make both of you feel defensive. But the goal of the conversation is to get to the question “how do we move forward?” Try to push through to that. It may take multiple conversations, apologies and amends. But hopefully, you can get to the point where you feel safe enough to take permanent separation off of the table.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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